The Asians are trying to kill me. They aren't using weapons, they're using condiments. I decided to use the mustard packages I picked up at one of those Chinese buffets on Eye Street that have everything from fried rice to neon orange macaroni and cheese. I figured it was normal mustard since it was next to the normal ketchup packets, I figured wrong.
I remember once asking my father, "Dad, how hot is the sun?" My dad walked me into the kitchen and turned on one of the electric burners on the stove. We stood there for three minutes just staring at the burner and not saying a word and then he grabbed my hand forced it onto the burner for a few seconds. He asked "Was that pretty hot son?" through tears I said, "Yeah," and he said, "well, the sun is a shitload hotter than that I'm sure."
Well, after all these years I know how hot the sun is – in fact I'm sure that "Asian mustard" (trying to be politically correct here) is pure sun piss.
It wasn't until about five seconds after I had swallowed my food that I realized that while Asian mustard is yellow like American mustard, it's hotter than anything I have ever tasted in my life. At that point I tried to call for help, but couldn't do anything but grunt loudly seeing as how the mustard disintegrated my tongue. I shall never know how many licks it takes to get to a lollipop's center because I no longer have the equipment to perform such an experiment.
Beyond that little episode today, I was supposed to write about the asshole in a "mini Cooper" who couldn't back out of parking spot last night. At the time it was quite aggravating to see a grown-ass-man fail to maneuver the smallest production car in the world out of a parking spot. I think the man fairy should have appeared and taken away his right/ability to pee standing up. Men are men because they can back a suburban out of an aspirin bottle with a beer in one hand and a deer rifle in the other.
Of course, that little fiasco got me to thinking. The concept of "mini" has gone way too far everywhere in our society. Technology is focused on making everything tiny so that Asians feel bigger. At some point in the late 1990's cell phones were pretty much as small as they needed to be for Americans, but still to large for the Asians so they kept tinkering until they produced a phone the size of your eardrum, or about palm sized for an Asian. It's not only phones, it's mp3 players, video game modules and god knows what else. The only hitch here is that you can't call yourself a "man" if you've gone mini.
The new video iPoop is a perfect example of a useless product coveted by stupid Americans who have nothing else to offer the world other than their ugly mug with white wires hanging from their ears. A real man does not seek out "miniature" products when it comes to our visual entertainment. We like to see big boobs, big explosions, big NASCAR wrecks and we like to see them on BIG TVs! The essence of a man is a 50+ inch TV he sold his wife's car to buy and had his lawyer draw up an agreement of ownership pending the inevitable divorce. The essence of man IS NOT watching a foreign film on a 1" X 1" screen while riding the metro. A movie that took 11 hours to download off of the internet nonetheless. Nothing is more anti-cinematic than staring at a postage stamp sized screen with earphones on – as gay as Hollywood is, they didn't intend you to view their movies like that.
What's the point of having and MP3 that weighs an ounce? Is six ounces too heavy for you? Does your pocket not support such a weight? Do you need to watch a movie during your 15 minute ride on the metro? Why is Asian mustard so damn hot? What the hell do you put it on? Is Asian mustard why they are so fired up all the time? I guess I too would be a little antsy if I knew my dinner was going to be grub worms and sun piss.
Come to think of it... maybe Asian mustard is the reason Bruce Lee could kick 50 guy's asses at once.