On The Ball

Size Does Matter

The Asians are trying to kill me.  They aren't using weapons, they're using condiments.   I decided to use the mustard packages I picked up at one of those Chinese buffets on Eye Street that have everything from fried rice to neon orange macaroni and cheese.  I figured it was normal mustard since it was next to the normal ketchup packets, I figured wrong.

I remember once asking my father, "Dad, how hot is the sun?"  My dad walked me into the kitchen and turned on one of the electric burners on the stove.   We stood there for three minutes just staring at the burner and not saying a word and then he grabbed my hand forced it onto the burner for a few seconds.   He asked "Was that pretty hot son?" through tears I said, "Yeah," and he said, "well, the sun is a shitload hotter than that I'm sure." 

Well, after all these years I know how hot the sun is – in fact I'm sure that "Asian mustard" (trying to be politically correct here) is pure sun piss.

It wasn't until about five seconds after I had swallowed my food that I realized that while Asian mustard is yellow like American mustard, it's hotter than anything I have ever tasted in my life.   At that point I tried to call for help, but couldn't do anything but grunt loudly seeing as how the mustard disintegrated my tongue.  I shall never know how many licks it takes to get to a lollipop's center because I no longer have the equipment to perform such an experiment.

Beyond that little episode today, I was supposed to write about the asshole in a "mini Cooper" who couldn't back out of parking spot last night.   At the time it was quite aggravating to see a grown-ass-man fail to maneuver the smallest production car in the world out of a parking spot.  I think the man fairy should have appeared and taken away his right/ability to pee standing up.   Men are men because they can back a suburban out of an aspirin bottle with a beer in one hand and a deer rifle in the other. 

Of course, that little fiasco got me to thinking. The concept of "mini" has gone way too far everywhere in our society.  Technology is focused on making everything tiny so that Asians feel bigger.   At some point in the late 1990's cell phones were pretty much as small as they needed to be for Americans, but still to large for the Asians so they kept tinkering until they produced a phone the size of your eardrum, or about palm sized for an Asian.   It's not only phones, it's mp3 players, video game modules and god knows what else.  The only hitch here is that you can't call yourself a "man" if you've gone mini.

The new video iPoop is a perfect example of a useless product coveted by stupid Americans who have nothing else to offer the world other than their ugly mug with white wires hanging from their ears.   A real man does not seek out "miniature" products when it comes to our visual entertainment.  We like to see big boobs, big explosions, big NASCAR wrecks and we like to see them on BIG TVs!   The essence of a man is a 50+ inch TV he sold his wife's car to buy and had his lawyer draw up an agreement of ownership pending the inevitable divorce.   The essence of man IS NOT watching a foreign film on a 1" X 1" screen while riding the metro.  A movie that took 11 hours to download off of the internet nonetheless.  Nothing is more anti-cinematic than staring at a postage stamp sized screen with earphones on – as gay as Hollywood is, they didn't intend you to view their movies like that.

What's the point of having and MP3 that weighs an ounce?  Is six ounces too heavy for you? Does your pocket not support such a weight?   Do you need to watch a movie during your 15 minute ride on the metro? Why is Asian mustard so damn hot? What the hell do you put it on?  Is Asian mustard why they are so fired up all the time?  I guess I too would be a little antsy if I knew my dinner was going to be grub worms and sun piss.

Come to think of it... maybe Asian mustard is the reason Bruce Lee could kick 50 guy's asses at once.

Rules for Washington Tourists

Since it’s spring and soon it will be summer, I figured I’d put together a little guide for tourists coming to the area.  This should serve as a document of direction to help all of you get along while you are in DC visiting us. 

Let it also be noted that we know you are a cheap son of a bitch… everything in DC is FREE.  We don’t get one dime from your visit, just a lot of headaches.  Just Remember that when you are fucking up my day this spring.

Without further commentary…

Section I – Curfew

Article A – You are never under any circumstances to leave your hotel and travel anywhere in, or near the city before 9:30 a.m.  This is what we call “rush hour.” It’s a little party where everybody wears a suit and brings their middle finger to share, and you’re not invited.  There is no reason for you to be in the city before this time. You can not park anywhere until after 9 a.m. anyhow.  And don’t try to subvert this rule and leave at six in the morning.  There is still no parking on the street (and we know you’re too cheap to pay for a garage).

And yes, even walking around in the city at 9 a.m. is unacceptable.  Why, you ask?  The one traffic light in your hometown has not prepared you to cross intersections using the flashing hand and “walk” sign properly.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : More than likely you’ll be hit by a bike messenger for crossing at the wrong time, although city buses have been known to whack a few tourists. 

Article B – You are to be off of the streets from 11:30 a.m. until 1:30 p.m.  You walk way too slow while others of us, who aren’t on vacation, have places to go.  Please find a museum or monument to hide in for this period of time.   It is also acceptable to be on Capitol Hill bothering your elected representatives at this time. Even if you wanted to eat at this time you could not eat at 95% of the “sit down” places in DC, they require a reservation.  Don’t go to subway either, union workers love this place and will stick a bull horn up your ass if you can’t decide whether you want a vegi delight or a meatball sub.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : Nothing really except maybe getting yelled at by busy people for walking too slowly, or you might go hungry.

Article C – Your are to be back at your hotel by 4:30 p.m. This starts the second part of our daily “rush hour” party.  Under no circumstances should you even attempt to travel by any means when 1.2 million people are on the move.  The fact that you know three alternate routes to the Cracker Barrel in your hometown of Florence, Alabama does in no way prepare you for the kind of carnage that 5 p.m. traffic brings in a big city.  Many people who have lived in DC for ten years still will not attempt to drive in traffic, and neither should you.  Your Winnebago and your chain smoking wife are not the best tools for downtown DC rush hour traffic.  Go to the hotel and take a nap.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : Your children will hear language and see gestures directed at you that they will surely use on the very first day of school when they return home… warranting a visit from Child Protective Services.

Section II – Behavior in Public

Article A – Do not talk to people on the metro (metro is short for metro rail or subway).  If you are traveling in accordance to both Article A and C in Section I, then you should have not problem following this rule since there will only be other tourists on the train.  If you are in violation of the aforementioned articles you will make an entire train of people uncomfortable.  When a person, such as I, is traveling in a crowded metro car I want to quietly read my paper and periodically look about to make sure nobody knows I’m the one passing gas. I do not wish to speak to you.   If you catch me passing gas, the proper thing to do is scowl quietly at me.  Do not alert other passengers to my breach of proper manners.  Only crazy people like my mother talk on trains.  Your goal is to not be considered crazy.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : Very dirty looks, or a long drawn out conversation where a well dressed bag lady will tell you about her personal hygiene problems.

Article B – Never talk to DC police.  They don’t give directions, tickets or a shit about your problems.  Nobody in DC knows what they do besides drive around with their very loud sirens on.  If you talk to one of these cops you are liable to make them drive around with their sirens on for hours, for no reason. 

In two parts of the city there are people dressed in black and yellow who work for the “Golden Triangle” or “Federal Triangle.”  These organizations have people standing on corners who are there to help you find things… most of these people can only help you find crack, and they’ve been known make sexually suggestive gestures towards girls under the age of 15.  In fact, that’s all they do.  Do not ask anybody in a suit for directions.  They know, but don’t care to tell you, because they are busy.  This city is designed for you to wonder aimlessly around in, so go with the mood and leave people alone.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION :  Just wait until you hear the sirens.

Article C – You are never ever permitted to ride a metro-bus.  Their routes are not designed to be understood by the common man, and the bus drivers will not tell you where they are going.  They will ask you were you want to go and spout something off to the effect of  “you all turned up wrong, you gots to snap up the S3 at Sherman park over at C street and catch yourself T12 or a T91 west down too gitchy town and if you get there early enough you hitch a C9 across town.” Then you are left to ask people riding the bus questions, which violates Article B all together.  Do not get on the bus! They don’t make change either!

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : you’ll find out… please send us a post card from “the other side.”

Article D – Bums are not to be engaged in any manner at any time, anywhere.  There are many bums in DC and they are here because they know you have money to spare since you don’t have to pay for any of the attractions here.  You must realize that when you give them change you are effectively making them the second most profitable business you’ll patronize your whole trip to DC (we’ll get to the first most profitable business in Article E).  When you give them money, they stay.  If you ignore them, they go to Los Angeles. Let’s work on sending them on their way.  When you give them money in certain areas, they stay there and they pee there.  I have to smell this, and all this is your fault. 

Do not stare at bums, this just pisses them off and makes them louder.  Do not talk to bums, which would violate Article B of Section II.  Don’t let your kids point a bums, this really drives them crazy.  And yes, they shit in that bucket; you might want to get it off of your son’s head.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : You will not go to heaven.

Article E – Do not buy anything from the little trailers that line the street around our White House and other historic beautiful areas.  If you are not familiar with what I’m talking about these are little trailers, or street vendors, who move in early in the morning and out during rush hour (see Section I Article C).  They sell everything from hot dogs and ice cream to cheap shirts that say “FBI.”  There is no reason for you to ever patronize these places.  They are rip offs, unsightly for those of us who live here and the sole reason for slave labor in foreign countries (they sell cheap plastic crap from Asia).  If we all band together in a boycott, they’ll leave and go back to New York where they belong.   Plus, if you are eating lunch at one of the stands, that means your are violating Article B of Section I.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : Possible food poisoning from the hot dogs or a horrible rash from the cheap t-shirts, not to mention the feeling of being ripped off because your kid is a whiney fat ass who demands you buy him everything he sees.

Article F – Dress appropriately.  You are on vacation, but not in the Bahamas. Put the “daisy duke” jean shorts and tube top away.  For some reason you people feel the need to really dress down when the world really wants you to wear a mumu.  Foreign leaders roam the streets aimlessly in motorcades and we don’t want them thinking that Bill Clinton’s family has moved to town.  If you aren’t dressed appropriately you will not be able to get into any restaurants in DC.  The weather sucks here 85% of the time so bring clothes to reflect that fact. 

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : Nothing really, just people gawking at your ugly rose tattoo.

Article G – If you commission a tour bus to bring you into the city at anytime, I hope you die a horrible death.  Tour busses fit on our city streets like fat people fit in airplanes… always in their lane, but spilling over into yours.  This city was not made to have your senior citizen, diaper wearing ass trucked around in a bus.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : We get your name and address from the tour bus companies and have every single political party ever known send you daily direct mail. And occasionally audit you.

In closing… please remember that we don’t come to your hometown while you are working and screw up your day, so please don’t screw up ours. 

More Craigslist Critiques

lI've taken the time to go through Craig's List and comment on some of the ads on there.  As you know, Craig's List is a free site where you can post goods, services, real estate, dating ads and jobs.   People are idiots and I intend to keep showing you that.  Lots of dirty people run around on here so I've labeled the ads that are clearly related to sinners in the pornographic business.

"Part Time" Jobs on Craig's List

Test Proctor - Falls Church VA (Leesburg Pike, Falls Church, VA) – I don't know what a "proctor" is, but it's way too close to "proctology" to go applying for it without knowing how much it pays.

Females needed for Kamasutra sexual health assesment program (DC)  - Yeah… right.  You show up and it's three fat guys, a bunch of beer a clipboard with no paper and a video camera. Why didn't I think of this?

GREAT HIGH PAYING PART-TIME POSITION ( Northern Virginia) – A word to the wise; "PART TIME" always negates "HIGH PAYING" just in case you didn't know.

Real Estate Marketing associate (DC-MD) – Don't be fooled, it's hammering "for sale" signs into the ground.  You'll be and associate all right, you'll be associating a sledge hammer with wood in front of the Henderson's house.

Stedicam operator w/ Own Equipment - Porn

CASTING CALL FOR INDEPENDANT STUDENT FILM - Also porn

Illustrator needed (Arlington, VA) – Porn again

Do You Want to Work With Some Real Party Animals? - Obviously Porn

Paralegal Student or Retired Lawyer (part time) - That's  kind of like saying you need a Doctor or a kid in 5 th grade remedial science to perform surgery.

Bookstore Assistant (Dupont Circle) - Porn

Housing for Rent

$1950 / 4br - Detached, 4 BR, 2.5 bath brick home with super yard (Fairfax) - The yard fights crime while you are away at work and returns to a nice grassy play area for the kids when you get home.

$2299 / 4br - Brand NEW Gorgeous in the HEART of FAIRFAX!!!! (Fairfax) – Capital letters are used here to emphasize "CLOSE TO NOTHING!"

$2275 / 3br - Beautiful House - Close To Everything! - Close to everything huh? The Eiffel tower is where in relation to "everything" and your beautiful house?   I better see elephants and chinamen when I get there.

$1250 - Wonderful BARN FOR RENT -- 4-5 Stalls -- Great Falls, VA - I'm offended… clearly I have not been the best at keeping my room clean, but I surely do not live in a barn – MOM.   Not many horses use the computer due to the fact that hoofs and keyboards do not make a good couple.

4br - ۩Free rooms/sleeping spaces for AuPairs, Interns, Exchange Students !! - Porn

Things For Sale

Large Outside Play Cube - $55 - Let me get this straight… You want to sell me a fucking square for $55 bucks?  What are circles going for?

Toddler Clothes for CHEAP - There's a bad day at daycare just waiting to happen.  Wait until the other kids find out your clothes aren't even Wal-Mart, they're Craig's List… shit in by some other toddler who ate his way out of them.

Handblown Glass Necklace - Beautiful Blue Beaded Baubles - $30 – All the words starting with "B" at the end is over the top chachi – I'm here to shop not memorize poetry.  Question – how did you get your hand to blow?

Gifts, golf, gadgets - Ch Ch Yard Sale this Sat 10/29 9 am - 1 pm - Tell me you didn't just type a stutter… (Ch Ch) seriously.   Will there be anything that doesn't start with a "G."

EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!!! - If you sell "everything", is that guy's house next to it going too?   You're going to be fucking rich my friend.

My Response to Real Ads on Craig's List

Here's a different kind of rant for once.  I'm looking for a new place and was annoyed with some of the listings on Craig's List.   The black part is exactly how the ad appeared on craig's list.  The second part is obviously my comments.  Please enjoy.

$2300 / 4br - Awesome SFH in S. Arlington – Oh yeah! Is it freaking "tubular" and "gnarly" as well?   What the fuck are you thinking? SFH usually stands for "Single Family Home" in this case it stands for "Super Fat Homo."  Like I'm going to rent a house from someone who describes their property as "Awesome???"   You smoke a lot of dope don't you… yeah I know, stop giggling the cops are coming… just kidding.

$1199 - spacious studio - location is everything - Location IS everything, and for $1,200 this place better be located inside the White House.  Asking $1,200 for a studio is like your parents saying – "sure you can rent a room from us – it's the living room and you pay the mortgage."   Studios are only "spacious" to midgets and people who immigrated here in the trunk of a car – the rest of us know better.  Oh yeah – thanks for saving me the buck there – Jack Ass – like I'm going to round down to $1,100 you twit.

$498 / 3br - Room in 3/3 townhouse available May 1st-2 blocks from many bus stops!!   - Be aware of places like this – the "bus stops" referred to is the Greyhound terminal in Fredricksburg, VA.

$500 / 2br - Female wanted for 2bd/2ba ($500-$585) – Definitely some creepy dude.   You're basically going to pay $500 a month to have a guy who dresses up as Star Wars characters watch you shower on his closed circuit video system… being violated is awful, being violated and paying for the privilege is worse.

$1450 / 2br - Parklike Setting in Shirlington – "Parklike" means what exactly??   Are there a bunch of Mexicans having a picnic and playing soccer in the front yard or what?  It's either a park, or it's not – decide and get back to me when you're not so overtly stupid.

$910 / 1br - CHARMING APT. IN POPULAR SOUTHWEST OLD TOWN – That's what I want, a "charming apartment."   One that opens car doors for me and compliments my suits.  Let's not kid ourselves – "charming" means really freaking small but doesn't smell.   It's how girls describe their ugly friends – "charming." 

$895 / 1br - LUX CONDO (700 sq. ft.) -  Dude, it's a free ad. You can spell out "Luxury."  I wouldn't include the square footage right up front like that, especially when it's so small.  That's like telling a girl that she won't be impressed with your "package" before the wine gets to the table.  Let them come over and look around – it may be small, but at least you have a chance.

$2000 - Springfield Single Famimly Home Rent - Obviously the schools suck in this neighborhood – I think you are missing some words… not that you'd notice. Try not to drool on the rental agreement.

$2600 / 4br - Housing for RENT in FairFax Station !!!!!   - OH MY GOD!!!! HOLY SHIT!!! NOT FUCKING FAIRFAX STATION!!!!!!  Where the fuck is Fairfax station? Why the hell are you so excited? Last time I checked, "Fairfax" was one word without random capital letters in the middle of it and it's an Indian word meaning "Place where buffalo shits."   Sorry, but I'm not interested in living at or near buffalo shit station.

$900 - Arlington Key Bridge – I do not want to live in, or on, a bridge.   It's ridiculous to charge me $900 a month to sleep outside.

$1915 / 2br - Beautiful Apartment, Glass Enclosed Sunroom! – You sound excited about the "glass enclosed sunroom" – hate to burst your bubble, but I have never seen a "brick enclosed sunroom."   I think what you have here is a "regular sunroom."

Back When I used to Help People Out

Helping people out – it's something I like to do. In fact, part of my job is to help out people with our website and our system that let's people write letters to congress. Here's how stupid things can get when you check the "help" email box and my responses:

They wrote:
I HAD MY PASSWORD EMAILED TO ME AND YOU SAID IT WAS POTTER, I WILL NOT LET ME SEND MY LETTER TO THE SENATE.. PLEASE HELP
JAYME.

Brad Wrote:
HOLY SHIT JAY-ME! WHY ARE WE YELLING? WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME TO HELP YOU WHEN YOU CLEARLY STATE "I WILL NOT LET ME SEND MY LETTER TO THE SENATE" WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

They Wrote:
I am TRYING to perform in the ARR's "Call to Action', but your site won't let me! My email and password don't want to work together- please fix this!
Martha L

Brad Wrote:
It's not a fucking play Marty – so there will be no performing in it. My "site" isn't human – it doesn't make decisions, therefore "its" not in charge of letting anybody do anything. I don't give a furry fuck whether your email and password want to rub each other down in the shower, it's not my job to work on their relationship – if they are having trouble working together get them counseling.

They Wrote:
I'm not able to log onto the action center. Can you help me?
Dot Ellison

Brad Wrote:
Nope, you're retarded and there's nothing we can do. For god sakes your name is "Dot."

They wrote
This password will not let me get into the site. What do I do now?
Joan Komarniski

Brad Wrote:
Joan – I can't help but ask – is that your last name, or did your first name take a shit? If I were you, I'd clean up that mess after Joan and forget about the website – it's too smart for you.

They wrote:
ONCE AGAIN IT'S TELLING ME I'M NOT IN THE SYSTEM AND IT WON'T ALLOW ME TO RE-ENTER MYSELF!!! THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENING MORE AND MORE FREQUENTLY. PLEASE HELP!!!!
Bart

Brad Wrote:
IT'S A FUCKING CONSPIRACY BART!!! WE'RE FUCKING WITH YOU SO THAT YOU'LL GO INSANE! WE PUT A CHIP IN YOUR HEAD BART! WE MADE YOUR WIFE LEAVE YOU AND GAVE YOU HEMORRHIODS! WE'RE COMING FOR YOU BART!

They wrote:
I would love to say:
Do you not think we serve a positive influence in the community?
Without us, look out.
But cannot log in.
Karen

Brad Wrote:
Karen… what the fuck are you talking about? After reading that little brain fart, I'm banning you from writing congress – you're not smart enough to send the prewritten letter I prepared for you.

They wrote:
I did not receive my password. I received an e-mail with a blank screen.

Brad Wrote:
Ooops! Our bad. We sent you your IQ instead of your password.

They Wrote:
I can't get into the system away I try. I would accept the password you sent me by the system retrival or by call ing the Realtor Association. How do I reregister and start over.
Sylvia

Brad Wrote:
Are you 4? Be honest – Rarely have I seen something this idiotic. Here in the states we often connect the "ing" with the word it's associated with to make one word – this seems hard for you. Good luck at the special Olympics. Also, drool is bad for you keyboard and subsequently makes your hands stink later.

They Wrote:
thanks for the explanation. You might want to do a blanket email to explain
where to get or create a new login and password. I suspect that tons of
agents just won't bother to chase this down otherwise.
Steve

Brad wrote:
Well Steve… I'd love to write an email, but your fucking retarded friends won't stop writing me in foreign languages and I have no time do such a thing… but I appreciate the tip – in fact I'm going to write it down on a piece of paper and when I go to the bathroom later I'll take it with me and wipe my ass with your little suggestion.