Here's a different kind of rant for once. I'm looking for a new place and was annoyed with some of the listings on Craig's List. The black part is exactly how the ad appeared on craig's list. The second part is obviously my comments. Please enjoy.
$2300 / 4br - Awesome SFH in S. Arlington – Oh yeah! Is it freaking "tubular" and "gnarly" as well? What the fuck are you thinking? SFH usually stands for "Single Family Home" in this case it stands for "Super Fat Homo." Like I'm going to rent a house from someone who describes their property as "Awesome???" You smoke a lot of dope don't you… yeah I know, stop giggling the cops are coming… just kidding.
$1199 - spacious studio - location is everything - Location IS everything, and for $1,200 this place better be located inside the White House. Asking $1,200 for a studio is like your parents saying – "sure you can rent a room from us – it's the living room and you pay the mortgage." Studios are only "spacious" to midgets and people who immigrated here in the trunk of a car – the rest of us know better. Oh yeah – thanks for saving me the buck there – Jack Ass – like I'm going to round down to $1,100 you twit.
$498 / 3br - Room in 3/3 townhouse available May 1st-2 blocks from many bus stops!! - Be aware of places like this – the "bus stops" referred to is the Greyhound terminal in Fredricksburg, VA.
$500 / 2br - Female wanted for 2bd/2ba ($500-$585) – Definitely some creepy dude. You're basically going to pay $500 a month to have a guy who dresses up as Star Wars characters watch you shower on his closed circuit video system… being violated is awful, being violated and paying for the privilege is worse.
$1450 / 2br - Parklike Setting in Shirlington – "Parklike" means what exactly?? Are there a bunch of Mexicans having a picnic and playing soccer in the front yard or what? It's either a park, or it's not – decide and get back to me when you're not so overtly stupid.
$910 / 1br - CHARMING APT. IN POPULAR SOUTHWEST OLD TOWN – That's what I want, a "charming apartment." One that opens car doors for me and compliments my suits. Let's not kid ourselves – "charming" means really freaking small but doesn't smell. It's how girls describe their ugly friends – "charming."
$895 / 1br - LUX CONDO (700 sq. ft.) - Dude, it's a free ad. You can spell out "Luxury." I wouldn't include the square footage right up front like that, especially when it's so small. That's like telling a girl that she won't be impressed with your "package" before the wine gets to the table. Let them come over and look around – it may be small, but at least you have a chance.
$2000 - Springfield Single Famimly Home Rent - Obviously the schools suck in this neighborhood – I think you are missing some words… not that you'd notice. Try not to drool on the rental agreement.
$2600 / 4br - Housing for RENT in FairFax Station !!!!! - OH MY GOD!!!! HOLY SHIT!!! NOT FUCKING FAIRFAX STATION!!!!!! Where the fuck is Fairfax station? Why the hell are you so excited? Last time I checked, "Fairfax" was one word without random capital letters in the middle of it and it's an Indian word meaning "Place where buffalo shits." Sorry, but I'm not interested in living at or near buffalo shit station.
$900 - Arlington Key Bridge – I do not want to live in, or on, a bridge. It's ridiculous to charge me $900 a month to sleep outside.
$1915 / 2br - Beautiful Apartment, Glass Enclosed Sunroom! – You sound excited about the "glass enclosed sunroom" – hate to burst your bubble, but I have never seen a "brick enclosed sunroom." I think what you have here is a "regular sunroom."