In my time here in Washington I’ve learned to expect just one thing in January – State of the Union speech hype. I hate it. Everybody is jockeying for a spot in the speech. If you or your issue happens to be mentioned in that speech, you are a Beltway Jesus for at least a week. Being mentioned in that speech is second only to having your business card pulled out of the cookie jar at Potbelly for a free lunch.
For the past week lobbyists, policy wonks and association heads have been tearing their hair out trying to get a spot in that speech. Meetings with White House “officials” have been held. Interns with Bush connections have been exploited. All that is left is the actual speech. Thousands of DC insiders will wait for their embargoed copy of the speech to see who made the cut and who didn’t. If they are lucky their issue got in. If they’re not so lucky their opponent got a plug. They break even if the issue is ignored completely.
Instead of jockeying for a sentence in the speech this year, I just wrote the whole damn thing for him. Here’s the speech that I think our President should read from the teleprompter this year.
Nancy Pelosi and the democrats are not only going to spend the next two years paying me back, but paying back each one of you who voted for me as well. Never underestimate the chutzpah of a party who is willing to lie to minorities and poor people in order to get elected. I can only describe what’s about to happen to us through the words of my favorite band, Bachman Turner Overdrive, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
I’m tired of them, their media friends and just about everyone in Hollywood.
I’m going to go ahead and take a moment to take the bat out of their hands.
The systematic failure of the state and local governments of Louisiana during Katrina was completely my fault. Had I had a bigger car, a louder megaphone or better relationship with God I could have stopped the carnage. I also apologize for not busing more illegals to New Orleans quicker in order to finish the work there. Most of the residents of New Orleans are too busy attending Extreme Makeover: Home Addition tapings to rebuild their communities.
That whole e coli outbreak we had… that’s all me too. I thought it would be a good way for Americans to loose weight. I was wrong.
The Boston Red Sox’s dismal playoff appearance was me too.
The Houston Texans’ first round draft pick… yours truly.
The failure in Iraq is my fault as well. The fact that democracy doesn’t spread like a fire in Malibu is all my fault. Much like a Mel Gibson film I should be able to heroically free a nation of repressed people in about two hours while you eat popcorn. I also apologize for not allowing any terror attacks to take place here in the states over the last five years. I know your friends in the media desperately need something to sensationalize or risk having to resort to reporting facts until the next global warming summit.
I must take the blame for all that money I gave back to you in tax breaks. Your democratic representatives on Capitol Hill are some kind of pissed off that I gave you your money back. They have told me that it is their money to redistribute to those who didn’t work for it. I thought you were the best judge of how to spend your money, but I’m told that I’m wrong by those who know better. We call those people democrats.
Teachers, I apologize for introducing a few billion dollars more to your budget than ever before. I figured if I increased spending on your vocation more than ever before that you’d meet me half way. Apparently making you accountable for your performance like every other employed American was way out of line. Let’s keep trusting the most important segment of our society to professionals who have little or no standards to live up to. Try not to have sex with so many students this year, it’s embarrassing the country.
It’s my fault Mexico is such a crappy place to live that Mexicans are willing to walk across a hot desert without water or food for days in order to leave that country. I should do more to force the spoiled video game addicted youth of this country to go out and pick vegetables for free so that Mexicans won’t have a reason to come here.
I apologize for our unpopularity abroad. All the other countries hate us and I fear that we will not be asked to the UN prom this year. I was way too interested in protecting American interests and the human rights of those who can’t protect themselves instead of being sensitive to France’s need to break the rules for their own gain. I just hope some of the countries will still sign our UN yearbook at the end of the year.
Global Warming was a huge mistake I made as well. Apparently I should have been a democrat with a serious fidelity problem because the media sure didn’t seem to think there was a problem with it when Clinton was President. I now know that I should put several million Americans out of work and start a “horses for cars” trade-in program in order to save the earth. After all, we are obligated to bend to the needs of megalomaniac scientists high on media attention.
We’ve truly had an amazing year and I hope this one to be even better.
I plan on working with Congresswoman Pelosi and Senator Reid on their agendas in this coming year. After we disband our military, implement universal health care and open our borders to anyone and anything they should make them happy.
Good luck America, you’re going to need it.
God can no longer bless America because it offends liberals and the media. Good night.”