I've heard this rumor more times than I care to and I have to share it. I don't want to share it, but I have to.
So, all of you know that Steve Ortega is going to be the next mayor of El Paso. The actual election is just a formality at this point. Honestly I couldn't care less who's mayor of El Paso in the long run. It's a non-voting position. That means 99 percent of the time the mayor is just sitting there playing referee or giving Larry Medina his monthly Conquistador Award. Every once in a while there's a chance to cast a tiebreaker vote and everybody pretty much knows how that's going to go long before it happens. The key to being mayor of El Paso is to not do anything embarrassing. And even if you do end up embarrassing yourself and the city - El Paso will probably re-elect you. So, the key to being mayor is not killing anyone in front of a bunch of witnesses - everything else goes.
Where was I?
Oh, the candidate who is going lose. Hector H. Lopez (is it a "z" or an "s"?) has designs on running for mayor. You may remember years ago that he had a short lived radio show where he would gather his friends on the radio and they would just say "ALLLLL PAAUUUSSO" over and over for an hour and then sign off. It wasn't very successful, but it was funny in a "laughing at you, not with you" way.
Hector H. Lopez also had a job working for some fictitious group called the "Hispanic Foundation Institute Group Association Cooperative" - or some variation of that. He gave himself some ridiculous title like "Senior Chief Executive Vice President of Hispanicness." And he proudly waived his collegiate affirmative action card around having gone to Georgetown or GW or George Mason - it started with a "G" and was a snooty institution of higher learning. I can't remember because the guy was/is wholly inconsequential and I figured he'd move to San Antonio and claim anywhere but El Paso as his birth place. I'm shocked he's still in El Paso.
The worst part about Hector H. Lopez was that he actually introduces himself as "Hector H. Lopez." You have to be a special kind of asshole to introduce yourself with your middle initial included. There are two members of congress with the same first and last name and they don't even pull the middle initial stunt - they say which state they are from.
Well, there's one more part that's worse (Maxpowers is going to make fun of the length of my post!)... If Jaime Abeytia is a so-called "Cholo Chicano" being that he's got tattoos and such, then Hector H. Lopez is a "Steve Urkel Chicano" with his sweater vests, love of fine wine and likely aversion to food containing meat products. His use of "Chicano" to describe himself lessens the meaning of the word. He is to "Chicano" what 45 year-old accountants with Harleys are to "biker."
Hector H. Lopez even has a team in place to help him lose to Steve Ortega by 200 points. He's got none other than Dr. Joseph Villescas. No, not that kind of "doctor." He's the kind of doctor that gets the title by going to school for a very long time while accomplishing nothing in the work world. He's a doctor in the science of gaining meaningless titles. He's also the architect of former Congressman Reyes' loss to current Congressman O'Rourke. You may remember he ran for city council as well and wanted to bring free wi-fi to Segundo Barrio without realizing that the people in Segundo couldn't afford the laptops needed to access the free service. It was one of those "you're so smart, you're stupid" moments. Needless to say, Villescas is a prettier version of Hector H. Lopez.
The second member of Hector H. Lopez's team and the person likely calling all the shots - NORMA CHAVEZ! She's been farting out hints to people that a Hispanic candidate out there is going to be a "factor." Since Norma and friends can't keep their pie holes shut for a second, it's pretty well known now that she means Hector H. Lopez. This is awesome news for me. I was afraid Norma was bowing out, but it turns out she wants to continue her losing streak. She's the Joe Dimmagio of election losses.
I wonder how Emma Acosta is feeling right now? What about Eddie Holguin? I thought Norma had made separate promises to both of them to make them king/queen?!?!?!? Are the Tiguas backing Hector H. Lopez?
I can't wait for this to shape up. It's going to be hilarious!